Simon’s Cycle Shorts are now available to buy in both paperback (£8.39) and Kindle (£2.99) editions from Amazon. HERE


Our days are long and the classes repetitive and boring. Apparently, I’m one of the ‘lucky’ ones because I’m sat in the front row which means that I get used in more sessions than the others. But it actually means that I get the really keen customers; the ones who want to impress the trainer? The ones that try harder and sweat more? You know the type.

Of all the things that I’m unhappy about, customer sweat is the one thing I really hate. Glutinous, briny excretions from unmentionable pores that get liberally leaked over my frame, squeezed into my cushioned foam bars and slid over my silica infused saddle; noxious discharges from un-heavenly orifices. I hate the incessant drippings of that liquid exhaust.

One of the guys from the back row told me recently that he is lucky if he gets ridden twice a day. Twice a day? I usually have someone sat whirling away on me for a minimum of 12 of the 14 hours that the Total Spin Studio is open every day; every day, that is, of the seven days of the week that we have customers; and one week just rolls into the next; it never stops. OK, so we are regularly serviced and I’ve had my saddle and pedals upgraded a couple of times, but it still doesn’t stop the relentless spinning spinning spinning and sweating sweating sweating. Even when they clean the floor after closing – and the floor really needs a clean after the Gatorade, the Powerade, the spittle and phlegm congeal to a pump-squeaking gum – even after the cleaning, I always end up back at the front!

You might think that Dave, who runs the place, would deem it a good idea to give us front-rowers a bit of a break occasionally and move things round a bit? No. Honestly, I don’t think he thinks about anything much. You might also think that the cleaners would take offence at the salty crusts of desiccated sweat that form like cold fat in a pan along the bottom of my unseen underside. But no, they don’t care either.

So are there any perks to being a spin bike? Well, there are a couple; they are usually in their mid twenties and wearing the thinnest lycra pants designed for yoga rather than cycling. Oh yes, and the real bonus is that they tend not to sweat so much. The sweet-scented honey’s always turn up for Lee’s sessions; Lee has more muscles than the other trainers, and Lee gets the prettiest customers with the cutest bottoms filling his front row. Content with their slender speeds, their endeavours will never bother the red zone, although Lee has been known to boost their little beating hearts with a simple pectoral flex.  Us front-rowers get our pleasures from the gentle pelvic pulsing from above but the downside of this is that we don’t get to watch them in their skin-tight pants; rows two and three seem get a much better deal in this respect.

So who are the cursed customers that sweat? Who are the front-rowers that pound out their sessions in a frenzied fury with the least style or consideration for their fellow spinners?  Some of them, to give them their due, are properly trained athletes that compete in triathlons and bike races and stuff – they’re the ones that always have a better ‘feel’ with the pedals; they generate their power right round the pedal cycle rather than just at the front bit. Others, untrained, unpleasant and blissfully arrogant, are slightly strange people who just come to the studio to ‘improve their fitness’ and, seemingly, mark their progress by how much they can max their peak power output for five seconds or minimise their resting heart rate when they wake in the morning. Very odd people. These are the drippers. These are the customers who never clean us up after a session as if leaving half of their bodily fluids running down my flanks is a mark of their superior exertive prowess. It’s not, and for what it’s worth, it does nothing for my bearings when their sticky discharges seep deep into my inner private parts.

So how does Total Spin Studio rank among the other spin studios in the area? I clearly haven’t been to any of the others, but I have heard what customers say whilst they’re warming up. Apparently, the instructors here ‘make the difference’ – well Lee clearly does. Here at Total Spin they are all ‘Schwinn Certified’, which, I think, means that they have passed a test so they know how to teach people to use us Schwinn spin bikes. They certainly shout a lot, so perhaps that is a big part of the certification process. There is also lots of ‘crazy’ music. Now, I understand from what people say, that all the spin studios have music, but apparently it is louder here and the beats are not just ‘bigger’ but are timed to go with the cadence of the pedals. Well, that’s what they say, but, in my humble opinion, not many of the riders seem to be able to time their spinning with the music.

I heard the other day that the studio was in trouble. The story, from one of the guys on the back row who rarely has anyone sat on him, is that times are lean – unlike the customers he might get in the back row then! But his story has started to be repeated by guys from the fifth row and even the fourth and third. It seems that Leeds is falling out of love with spinning; perhaps they all bought real bikes. Perhaps the roads up on the Moors are proving more of a draw that the sweat-filled fug of the Total Spin Studio. I blame the Grand Depart in 2014.

So what if the club closes down? Someone said they would sell us all off. What would that mean? What if one of the drippers bought me? I would have to lie about his cadence and mis-state his heart rate; I’d have to try to burn him out. But, and you never know, I could always get bought by one of Lee’s lovely lasses. I’d be happy if one of them could take me home and sit and spin her little backside off on me for the rest of my life. Now that would be a great way to go.


Simon’s Cycle Shorts are now available to buy in both paperback (£8.39) and Kindle (£2.99) versions from Amazon. HERE

Copyright © 2016 by Simon Bever. All Rights Reserved